VENTING. An Inside Higher Education columnist discovers "Oy, vey!" students, and suggests same consider how others see their requests.

Translation Guide for Students

When a student says: Will that be on the test?
The professor hears: I could care less about learning. Grades are my sole concern.

When a student says: I missed the exam because I had to go to my grandmother’s funeral.
The professor hears: I was too busy partying to study, so at the last minute I panicked and skipped the test.

When the student says: I have to miss class next week. What will be covered?
The professor hears: It’s easier to ask teachers for special treatment than to read the syllabus.

When a student says: May I have an extension?
The professor hears: That ridiculous class rule that late papers get reduced grades shouldn’t apply to me. After all,I’m the center of the solar system.

When the student says: I was sick last week. Did we cover anything important?
The professor hears: When I skipped class last week, did you cover anything I need to know for the final? It’s too much trouble to ask my nerdy classmates, and my friends don’t pay attention.

When the student says: Can I still get a B?
The professor hears: I just realized that not doing any work all semester and getting a C minus on the mid-term paper might mean a low grade.

When the student says: What are your office hours?
The professor hears: I haven’t even bothered to read your syllabus but I still want you to spoon feed me private tips that will get me a higher grade.

When a student says: There are personal reasons I haven’t been doing well in your class this semester.
The professor hears: Maybe if I concoct a dramatic sob story for this dupe, I’ll get special treatment.

When a student says: Can I do something for extra credit?
The professor hears: Even though I haven’t cracked a book all semester I still deserve special dispensation and extra effort from my professors.

When a student says: I can’t take the final exam when it is scheduled. Could I take it in January?
The professor hears: I talked my parents into leaving early for our ski trip to Aspen, and if I postpone the test until after the break, my friends will tell me what to study.

When a student says: Plagiarism? But I promise that I hadn’t even seen the Web site when I wrote my paper. It’s a totally random coincidence. I promise.
The professor hears: Busted! And I can’t believe that this dinosaur knows how to do a Google search.

When a student says: Cheat? Me? But I swear I didn’t do it. You’re not going to give me a zero are you?
The professor hears: Even when I’m busted, normal punishments should be rescinded because I’m the center of the universe. Better try to lie my way out of this one.

Despite the cynicism, the columnist concludes with a bit of solid advice.

I believe that we serve our students well when we respectfully remind them of — or teach them — manners: especially through our own actions and interactions. It is ideal, I believe, if we impart these lessons in etiquette with grace, kindness and good humor. It is not always easy to maintain composure and respond with generosity when faced with bad-mannered students — but we can try.

As authority figures, we automatically are role models — and models not just of intellectual prowess, but also of attitudes and habits. We are — like it or not — in positions of authority vis a vis our students. Given that, the stance of a benevolent dictator is a reasonable posture to assume. An “eye for an eye” is an inappropriate strategy for those who wield power.

Part of our mission, I believe, is to demonstrate maturity, respect and empathy. Hopefully, students will internalize and assume a similar mien over time. Politeness rules. Despite my sardonic translation sheet, I do believe that we teach most effectively when we are consistently considerate of our students I believe that we can profess most powerfully when we keep in mind that students may be learning far more from us than the scholarly content of our class lessons..

When we start to lose our tempers and respond snidely to Oy-vey students, perhaps this quote by Albert Schweitzer is apt: “Only those who respect others can be of real use to them.”

Let me add only this: each of the special requests deconstructed infra is a request that the professor be inconsiderate of those students who did play by the rules. There are tactful ways to remind the special pleaders that equal treatment under the rules presupposes equal performance subject to the rules.