LIFE IMITATES SCRAPPLEFACE? In lieu of Amtrak, Amcanal? The reality, if anything, is more ridiculous. Ever hear of the Tulsa Port of Catoosa, which brags on itself as the "most inland, ice-free river port in America." Yup, as in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The upper reaches of the Missouri River are open to barge traffic, after a recent agreement involving dredging and environmental protection, in order that a few barges can participate in the harvest in the Dakotas. There is, however, little job-protection for low-skilled Democratic constituents. The Army Corps of Engineers maintains the canal systems. No Belomor Kanal here, comrades!

The subsidies are completely reversed on the waterways. Passenger rail transport is a net recipient of subsidies, both from Amtrak legislation and the various commuter transportation districts, while the freight railroads pay taxes. About the only passenger river transport operating is on gambling "boats" (for many of them, a "cruise" involves pulling in the brow, casting off, then anchoring against the current) while the freight barges are net recipients of subsidies from the Corps of Engineers.