IMPROVED TOOLS ON MURDERERS ROW?

The Milwaukee Brewers left spring training with a number of pitchers nursing injuries.  They opened ... those new more balanced schedules at work ... at Yankee Stadium, and Saturday's game made baseball history.

Upon arriving at Yankee Stadium for Opening Day, Nestor Cortes Jr. wasn’t sure where to go. Maybe, considering his historically dreadful performance on Saturday in his Brewers debut, he should have stayed lost.

Facing his old club, Cortes surrendered back-to-back-to-back home runs on the first three pitches he threw in the bottom of the first inning. It was the first time in MLB history that a team went deep on three consecutive pitches to begin a game. Cortes allowed two more long balls before he was removed with no outs in the third.

In all, the Yankees hit nine home runs during a 20-9 bludgeoning of the Milwaukee Brewers, breaking their franchise record for homers in a game. Aaron Judge, who went deep in his first three at-bats, missed becoming the 19th player in MLB history with a four-homer game by about 2 feet when he doubled off the wall in the sixth.

There are nineteen players with a four-homer game. I wonder if there's a special category for a solo, a grand slam, and one each with one on and two on. It didn't take long for the Milwaukee broadcasters to verify that no team had ever led off the home half of the first with three home runs on three pitches.

But were the Yankees using reprofiled bats?  "Apparently, the Yankees have crafted a new sort of bat that reallocates some of the wood lower down on the barrel, putting more mass in the area that actually strikes the ball. It basically makes the end of the bat more shaped like a bowling pin."  Such changes at the lathe must be approved by Major League Baseball, and it's still on the batter to square the ball up, and on the pitcher to throw pitches that are hard to square up.

Yes, the Yankees have a literal genius MIT Physicist, Lenny (who is the man), on payroll. He invented the “Torpedo” barrel. It brings more wood - and mass - to where you most often make contact as a hitter. The idea is to increase the number of “barrels” and decrease misses. pic.twitter.com/CsC1wkAM9G

— Kevin Smith (@KJS_4) March 29, 2025

That noted, in baseball, as in chess, it's all about the accumulation of small advantages. "[Y]ou would imagine that the rest of the league is already looking into this with great interest."  And, this being These United States in the Era of Litigating Everything, you know, April Fool or not, what comes next.  "Calls Mount for MLB, Rob Manfred to Investigate New York Yankees’ New Bats."

Mr Cortes, meanwhile, is awaiting the arrival of a child, and his next start, which will be in Milwaukee's somewhat larger stadium.