HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE.

That's the quintessence of existential philosophy, if one excuses the oxymoron, as summarized by Jean-Paul Sartre.  There might be something to it all the same.

Now comes America's Newspaper of Record, perhaps with special knowledge of the ways of the Almighty, calling the roll of the damned.  "In Lieu Of Hell, Unbelieving Introverts Will Be Sent To A Business Networking Event That Lasts Forever."

I'm too tired to get into the theological implications of Hell reserved only for believers.

The international panel of academics has confirmed that instead of Hell, unsaved wallflowers will be sent to an eternal business networking event.

"Upon passing away, the brooding loner will awaken in a conference booth surrounded by an infinite sea of badge-wearing networkers trying to make eye contact, lure them in for small talk, and exchange business cards." Dr. Trè François-Davíd, the French-Swiss scholar who led the panel conducting the study, spoke on behalf of the scholars.

Other scholars from the study described the psychological torment for unrepentant sinners who renew their energy from being alone. "The dread sets in when someone comes over to talk and a line of people who also want to talk forms behind them, stretching to infinity." Some members of the assembled press shuddered as the joint statement was read, describing being unable to break away from a droning talker, only to be pulled back as the talker's monologue entered its second overtime.

The concluding passage of that story, "At publishing time, scholars confirmed that normal Hell is filled with type-A extroverts, who promptly set the place on fire," is not inconsistent with the secular story, in which "the trappings of sociability might conceal more anomie and isolation than meets the eye."