UPDATING THE DECK OF CARDS. The headhunting firm of Schneider and Schwarz have completed their review of the dossiers submitted in the past few weeks, and have made the following recommendations.

Duke Vice Provost and English professor Cathy Davidson is the Queen of Spades, a relatively powerful card. Herrn. Schneider und Schwarz noted that the emotional argumentam ad popularum (in the Superintendent's view, an extended, hysterical cliche) about the self-selection of socialist-leaning people into low-paying disciplines has for too long been used to trump counter-arguments, with the effect of digging a deeper hole for the academy.

Penn State president Graham Spanier is the Jack of Spades, the second most powerful Jack. Herrn. Schneider and Schwarz noted that Mr Spanier lacked the heart to ask a failing football coach to step aside, whilst firing a professor for telling the truth. Such digging will very quickly move Penn State from the Big Ten to the Big Eight, although Conference USA is probably a better fit.

Illinois Board of Higher Education chairman James Kaplan has earned a spot as the Ace of Clubs, for his mischaracterization of the academy's mission as "ephemeral" and for his willingness to continue to bludgeon the universities in the face of rising enrollments and deferred maintenance.

For his willingness to bludgeon reporters in the student newspaper, Baylor President Robert B. Sloan has been named King of Clubs. Herrn. Schneider and Schwarz observed that Mr Sloan was willing to go public with his views, rather than conceal his position in the blind (on double-secret probation?) which would have earned him a position as the ten of clubs.

To summarize the deck, the following cards are now named.

TRUMPS
Donna Shalala, Miami, Florida, Queen of Clubs
Cathy Davidson, Duke, Queen of Spades
Roberta Matthews, Brooklyn, Queen of Hearts
Katherine Lyall, Wisconsin (ret.), Queen of Diamonds
Stanley Fish, Illinois-Chicago, Jack of Clubs
Graham Spanier, Penn State, Jack of Spades
John Shumaker, Tennessee, Jack of Diamonds
Peter Mackinnon, Saskatchewan, Ace of Diamonds
Chester Finn, Thomas Fordham Foundation, Nine of Diamonds

FAIL
James Kaplan, Illinois Board of Higher Education, Ace of Clubs
William Walker, Auburn, Ace of Spades
John Snow, Oklahoma, 10 of Clubs
William M. Bulger, Massachusetts, 10 of Spades
Robert B. Sloan, Baylor, King of Clubs
Timothy Sullivan, Bill and Mary, 9 of Clubs
John Burness, Duke, 8 of Spades
Laura Skandera Trombley, Pitzer, 8 of Hearts
Doug Hubley, Bates, 7 of Clubs
James Holderman, South Carolina (ret.), 7 of Spades.
Robert Brandon, Duke, 7 of Hearts

We're still missing twelve names before we can sit down and quaff some Bock beer and deal a few hands. Quit your mauering and send me some names.