GOING TO SEA, THE WAY IT USED TO BE. Fresh water rationed, no showers, spoiled food, top speed three knots. That's not what Carnival Cruise passengers bargained for. Did I mention no functioning toilets?

Peg Fisher of Las Vegas, on her first cruise with husband Tom, described impromptu meals that included cheese-and-beet sandwiches and others filled with something that looked like corned-beef hash.

"If you could see the things they put on sandwiches, seriously, this could be the only cruise ever where people lost weight instead of gaining weight," Peg Fisher said.

Chris Harlen, a dental technician from Buena Park, offered a quick description of his experience after disembarking with his wife and two children, ages 10 and 8.

"It was gross when the toilets weren't working. What can you do?" Harlan said. "There were a lot of people getting smashed off warm beer."

The bar had more than rum, sodomy is optional, and the bo'sun didn't have to break out the lash.